Our Mortal Self.

It's been three week since the tragic demise of my brother.  I have been keeping journal since and I want to share a piece of me with the world.

His demise made me realize the real thing about my mortal self. I have come to the realization that my interest in Orisa is not 100% love but that of emotional interest.
Emotional interest because,  I am interested only when they serve my purpose.  I go to them when I have needs, I feed them when I need them to do something for me.  Even though I showed my gratitude in the end,  it's not all just for nothing.
When my younger brother Ogunbiyi passed (God rest his soul), It was a wake up call to my own mortality and those around me, a call for me to let go of something that doesn't serve my soul,  mend broken relationships, live a good life, create and enjoy beautiful memories with those around me.  You never know when your time is up.

But most importantly,  it was a deep challenge and test to my faith.  I gave up, I said I will never pray again,  I will never help anyone get reading done nor will I offer spiritual assistance to anyone.

Alas! What is the benefits of prayer , it doesn't work. Why do I have to help anyone with my gifts when I cannot safe my baby brother? What are the Orisa doing while he bleed to death, laying on helpless as life drain out of his body?All these and many more was running through my mind and coming out of my mortal mouth. 
                The second day was Ifa day. I refuse to get out of bed, I sent him a text message hoping he will reply.  But he wouldn't. I was ready to leave the lie that he was still breathing. Alive and well. These situations and scenario may be familiar to some and not all.

              I was just laying in bed when something said to me, is this a test from Olodumare? Is Olodumare trying to see what I will do?  Am I failing? 

              Am I a good person?  Oh I am a terrible human being,  I do not love the Orisa. I am a fair weather Olorisa, I only care about my needs.  As long as my needs are met, the Orisa are the best otherwise I don't want anything to do with them.

             Omg! This is what the ajogun would have wanted,  for me to abandon that which have been keeping me for so long and be open and vulnerable. 

             I took the courage and went down to pray , I cried bitterly before my Orisa. I said I hurt,  I am in pain . Help me to live through this. Life seems so meaningless right now. 

           Even though my grief clouded my vision This type of attitude is too common when we grief.  But deep down I realized,  if it was genuine why was I quick to almost give up?  Even though I have the understanding of death,  ancestors,  life after death, and reincarnation. Ha! I am a mere mortal.

          So I say to my mortal self,  do you think you love the Orisa enough to stick with them despite the turmoil in your life?
Are you a grateful child?Do you genuinely worship because you belief or it just a means to an end?
If it is true that we worship ourselves,  for that one day, I almost gave up on myself.

           

          Our spiritual life is tangled with our emotions is because,  we get closer or refrain from all things spiritual in our times of needs. We think the hardest about our spiritual life when we are in the middle of one life major transition.  Birth, death,  marriage,  divorce,  changing jobs etc.  These are times in our lives when our emotions and our relationship with the Orisa becomes entangled.
           At the same time each of these situations is highly charged emotionally.  The truth is that, at these high critical life events, we are called upon to make important decisions that can have a very long lasting effects.

            After this reality check,  I was able to see through my pain and grief and know that we mortal are just who we are, Our mortal self.

Ela boru, ela boye, ela, bo sise.

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